Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
