I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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