maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
