Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
