I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
