...so i touched it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
