I feel like I'm in dance class right now
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
