just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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