Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
