People in love make me want to vomit
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
