You smell like a Billy Joel song
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
