if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
