Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
