Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
