i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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