well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
