Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
