Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
