if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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