Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
