the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
