My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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