Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
