if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
