Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
