Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
