One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I cannot find my penis.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
