Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i drank out of a bidet.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need a beard to bite.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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