there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
