im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
