there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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