Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
