Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
