i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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