i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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