So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
