So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
