now i know why i became what i already was.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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