I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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