dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
