Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
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Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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