he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
