i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
