Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Too much gin, very little bucket
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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