The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
