I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
