just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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