Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it glows. i had to have it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up