Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.