Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.