my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
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An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal