Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
