Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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