Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
