i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
