My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
