my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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