so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
