why didn't you poke me back
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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