I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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